THE CHRONICLES OF THE FAIRY GOD SISTER – HOT LIQUIDS.

Up at 6.30am, say a quick prayer, skim through the pages of my bible and devotional (part of my resolution for 2009), decide to skip doing my 50 sit ups (after all, I’m late for work), and dash into the bathroom. Dash out 15mins later (not exactly sure I did justice to the issues I went in there to resolve) and then face the life-long, ever reoccurring challenge – what do I wear? 30 minutes after taking a tornado through my box and wardrobe, I’m good to go. Through the mirror I can see the pile of clothes strewn on the bed and giggle; I’ll pack them up when I get back and probably scatter them the next day.

At the office (did I mention getting a cab took almost forever cos the cab drivers wanted to build houses with the fares they were charging)? Why a cab, you might ask? Well, the Armada’s gone for servicing, the Porsche for spraying, and my sister borrowed the Chrysler for the day. Besides, once in a while I like to see how you folks get around.

Ok, back to the office. After apologizing to the guy I’m to take over from, I identify myself (and my station), and get down to work. It’s a Saturday morning so I assume the day’ll go easy. After exchanging pleasantries with the DCA I’m to be relieving, we cross talk and the n he leaves. I settle in, run a couple of adverts, I tell my listener what to expect during my shift, leave them to enjoy John Legend’s ‘heaven only knows’ and then check my duffel bag (I’m a bigz gial) for the CDs I came with. Most of those CDs are promos from either upcoming artistes or artistes who have come up. The day actually goes smoothly, I enjoy the one hour I normally flex with on Saturdays, thoroughly enjoying the calls I get, especially a little girl who calls and says 'hello aunty, please can you play circle of life (Lion King) for me'? I play it, naturally, who would say no to such a voice?

Getting home, it’s breakfast time (or brunch since its past noon) and I settle for the simplest thing, noodles and sausages. Now we all know that goes best with a really cold drink but…… ok, here’s the essence of today’s chronicle. At work I stumbled on a site that taught me something. Want to know why the Chinese have the lowest incidents of heart attacks and other related diseases? They don’t rush for cold drinks after eating – they take hot liquids! A very good article which takes two minutes to read...

Heart Attacks and Drinking Warm stuff.

This is not only about the warm water after your meal, but about heart attacks. The Chinese and Japanese drink hot tea with their meals, not cold water (or sprite or coke or dansa or….), maybe it is time we adopted their drinking habits while eating.
As we all know (ok, and for those of us who don’t), Myocardial infarction (MI or AMI for acute myocardial infarction), commonly known as a heart attack, occurs when the blood supply to part of the heart is interrupted causing some heart cells to die. This is most commonly due to occlusion (blockage) of a coronary artery following the rupture of a vulnerable atherosclerotic plaque, which is an unstable collection of lipids (like cholesterol) and white blood cells (especially macrophages) in the wall of an artery. The resulting ischemia (restriction in blood supply) and oxygen shortage, if left untreated for a sufficient period of time, it can cause damage and/or death (infarction) of heart muscle tissue (myocardium). You might want to read this paragraph again, I had to!
For those of us who like to drink cold water, this article is for you. It is nice to have a cold drink after a meal (especially when your tummy looked forward to the meal more than you did)! However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed thereby slowing down the digestion. Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. Ok, it’s not all doom but it is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.

Common Symptoms of Heart Attack...
Heart attacks (or MI’s) are caused by…….time check……….time to play that advert…….the song has 11 seconds left on it, ‘93.5fm, the station on the rock that absolutely rocks, you just listened to blame it on the alcohol, lets pay some bills, don’t touch that dial’. Phew!!!! Once again, saved by the bell, symptoms will be discussed by the fairy god sister some other time (preferably when she’s not at work on the console)!

Till then, easy on the alcohol (anything for our hearts abi).

THE CHRONICLES OF THE FAIRY GOD SISTER – who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are? I mean, honestly, when you look in the mirror ( especially those of us who have mirrors that shamelessly tell us lies), what do you see? Someone who is ‘all that and more’? Someone who is so ‘hypertek’ you look down on everyone else? Are you the type the bible describes as having ‘an haughty look’? Do you think you are everybody rolled in one? What achievement have you made (or you think you have made) that won’t let you let others breathe? Do you walk around with puffed up shoulders, a proud demeanor and eyes so scornful you look like you’re disgusted to be on earth with ‘lesser mortals’? Do you attain a measure of success and then become inaccessible and larger than life? I mean you suddenly feel like you’re the greatest (and you’re not even Jesse Jags )! Do you look at people and the first thing that comes to your mind (however miniature) is ‘that person is below me’? Ok, pause….. Have I asked up to 21 questions yet? Cos really I could go on and on.

This chronicle was written in anger (yes, fairies get angry too)! It always hurts me when you see people who should be ‘humble’ turn out to be arrogant and then people who ordinarily have EVERYTHING to brag about are so down to earth it’s almost scary! I can bet we’ve all experienced this kind of thing, you know, the one about empty vessels making the most noise? Well, in all fairness the proud vessels are not exactly empty but they sure are noisy!

I’m also angry because today I face the reality of the fact that one of the closest friends to all of us in fairy land is dead. Hell, I thought he was playing a prank on you mortals, maybe part of a ‘come back’ strategy. But no, it’s true, he’s really gone.

Today we’re all celebrating the death of an enigma, the ‘king of pop’, the legend, maestro, and as a friend put it, ‘an era’. Michael Jackson, blab la bla (won’t say more so I don’t repeat what you already know)! What I can tell you (by privilege of being a fairy) is that he was one of the simplest people who walked the face of the earth.

We (in fairy land) loved him, hell one time when my fairy god aunt had fallen short of the fairy god fathers glory and had been summoned for punishment, she went before him, trembling, expecting to be sentenced to eternal damnation. You won’t believe, she met him ‘sliding’ (or attempting to slide) to MJ’s ‘bad’! We laughed so hard! And of course she was let off the hook.

People say we killed him, we sent an innocent man to the grave; not because of the scandals or allegations, but because we ‘over loved’ him, and expected too much from a mere human, forgetting that our several imperfections confirm our mortality. Others say he had personal demons troubling him, how else would you explain the song/video ‘Thriller’, at a time when 90% of the songs around were lovey dovey, mushy songs? Others said he was lonely, watching Jennifer Hudson perform his song this evening kind of confirmed that for me. The lines ‘will you be there when I call, in joy, sorrow’, bla bla bla. Plus, recently, I watched the ‘you are not alone’ video again and as far as I’m concerned, it was a reverse kind of song, I felt like he was singing the song to himself. And that’s whether you like it or not.

Can anyone fill his shoes, can anyone take his place? Can anyone do and be to us what he was? I know he’s looking down on the elaborate memorial service in his honor, all the love and appreciation he’s being shown now. Just makes me wonder; if he had half of this when he was alive it might just have helped him live a happier life.

From earth song, to smile, to stranger in Moscow, to thriller, you name it, the man is/was a legend. I say ‘is’ because he lives on, in my heart, and yours.

Rest in peace MJ, I hope you’re in a happier place.

THE CHRONICLES OF THE FAIRY GOD SISTER – DISAPPOINTMENT

Ever wanted something? Not the way you’d want a sweet or anything (except you’ve got cravings), have you ever really, I mean really wanted something? Whether you got it or not is a different thing. Let me ask – how bad did you want it? Would you give your life to get that thing? Think back about it for a second, whatever it was you wanted, was it really that important? What was it going to add to you? Ok, I gotta ask, did you get it?

Today’s chronicle deals with disappointment (and I’m not talking about something you didn’t get)! I’m looking at disappointment from the “how could you want that kind of thing” angle. That’s because recently I learned that people want/go for the wrong things, and then get awfully disappointed when they don’t get them. Let’s imagine this scenario together….imagine a 79kg, 4 feet girl wanting to strut her stuff on runways in Paris and Milan! All because she’s read some books that say, ‘if you can think it, you can be it’! Ok, ok, that’s exaggerating a wee bit but we all get what I’m talking about here!

The Fairy God Sister (in her wisdom) talked to a few people, found out stuff they wanted/ wished they could do, how that didn’t happen, and what they either settled for, or improvised with. Note that names were changed to protect the privacy of the people in this chronicle (duh)!

First story’s about a young girl. Karen became friends and subsequently fell in love with a young, good looking guy. He was everything she ever wanted: caring, witty, great sense of humor, extremely sexy, a hopeless romantic and more! There was a ‘but’, though. Guess. Yes, you’re right, he was married! Now forget the laws of karma and everything (before you all start wrinkling your noses at her), nothing happened. At least nothing ‘extra’ happened. Yes she knew he was married of course, in her own words she just didn’t think it would go that far! So here she is, wishing that somehow it’ll work between them. How?? I can hear you scream. It’s still within the boundaries of logic and rationality (or so the both of them think because…..) but like I told her, it’s only a matter of time before they get themselves in trouble! She said she’d think about it. Please join her, hold the thought, next story.

Collins wanted to be a doctor (still wants to be one to this day)! Now this lofty dream is not borne out of his innate desire to heal people, ease the sufferings of his people, or even to find the cure to AIDS or some other deadly disease. He wants to be a doctor because of the respect his elder brother commands in their village. ‘How primitive can he be’, you may be wondering, Collins doesn’t care. Don’t begrudge him o, he actually worked at it, struggling (in capital letters) through science class in secondary school, paying all sorts of odd bribes to his class and hostel mates to help with different projects and assignments. The days before JAMB were the longest days Collins ever saw, I mean, knowing he would face physics, chemistry and biology in the hall (alone) snatched sleep from his eyes. Sparing you the details of the trauma he went through on the actual exam day is only fair. The result? A total score of 160, with 72points of that belonging to English. Divide what’s left by the 3 science subjects and you’d agree the situation was (and still is) hopeless. Hopeless because, against countless advice, he’s still writing JAMB (and a number of other exams) for a multiple couple times with little or no difference to the result. ‘Collins go for an arts course now’, no! He’d always reply, ‘my dream is to be a doctor’!

Final story. A really close friend of mine is quadriplegic. She’s been that way for the past 15 years now after a ghastly motor accident where she was the sole survivor. Her name is Bella, one of those people you’d say God created on a Sunday after a great lunch and siesta! She was (still is), the definition of the word beautiful, inside and out.

Things are different now though. Every day she wishes and wills herself to die because she can’t do the one thing she wants in this life: ballet dancing, because she’s confined to bed. Once, she deceived a friend to give her an overdose and we nearly lost her. I love her like crazy and everything but she’s trying so hard, I caught myself praying once that her suicide attempts succeed, she’s so unhappy!

Three stories, all negative you might think. Three dreams, slowing but surely towing the path of nightmares. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a crime to dream, but how feasible is it? The bigger the dream the bigger the success. Succinctly said. In these days of uncertainty however, the more realistic the dream, the greater the chances of fulfillment in this lifetime.

How are these three people sorting themselves out, you might ask. Karen is taking counseling classes with the Fairy God Sister (and hopefully she’s not just attending the classes because it’s her only opportunity to meet a fairy)! Collins traveled to a certain part of this country where black gold abounds, says he heard they have special centers for exams. Bella? Well, I spoke with her before I started writing this, and I can only say it’s a good thing our lives are on loan.

Quick tip for the week: you hold the keys to your happiness, and to your sorrow. Good news is, the keys are on two separate bunches. Choose. Have a great week!

THE CHRONICLES OF THE FAIRY GOD SISTER – CROC CITY!

I’ve been traveling a lot recently (a friend of mine said he can’t wait for me to stop loafing or ‘breading’ around)! I don’t blame him; fairy things are too deep for mere mortals to grasp!

Anyways, I want to one of the pillars of Northern Nigeria to attend a friend’s introduction over the weekend. Talking about introductions, I was fascinated by the whole thing and I think I want to do one too. Thing is, who is going to come to be introduced to the fairy godmother and father? Who is worthy? Ha ha, discussion for another day!

Kaduna is a beautiful place o, it’s one of them somewhat ancient places that thrill me. They also are a big disappointment and I’ll explain. People say America got to where they are now after 200 years abi? Nigeria is 49, Kaduna being one of the older states would be expected to be topping the charts as far as education, health, light, water, etc go. That unfortunately, is not the case. Away from this sha, that’s gist for another day!

The last time I was in Kaduna (Croc city according to a friend of mine), I washed my hair in a regular salon for N120 and I thought that was a great deal because I’d do the same thing here in Abuja for about N600 or more! I was feeling sexy with myself till I was told that the stylist cheated me. I left my hair on purpose this time around and went to a different salon where I’m proud to announce I got the same thing done for N100! Ha ha, you can imagine the big pat on the back I gave myself.

What did I love about the place? The building (and environs) where Lord Luggard was doing his thing from (he should try coming there now na)! I also enjoyed drinking fura (even though I hear it makes you add weight in leaps and bounds)! Then of course, I ate suya so much, I’m sure I’d puke if I saw another stick!

Now, since I’m not from anywhere near these parts, I asked a couple mortals I talk with for the fun places in KD. One reoccurring name was NAF club and so I vowed I would go there! And go I did, on Saturday night. Don’t want to start a religious crisis so I’ll just say I didn’t expect to see what I saw (use your own tongue to count the rest of your own teeth)! If you’ve ever been to Ibadan, it was the regular ‘Options’ setting, just that this place is a lot more secure (try yourself na), and a lot bigger. Forgive me o, I just thank God Nigeria has not had any crisis (terrorist wise) in her air space because, if the Nigerian Air Force (NAF) were called to do the ‘Jack Bauer’ thing (24), would they be able to extricate their optical apparatus from the wriggling gargantuan posteriors of the daughters of Eve to do anything?

Back to my story. Apart from the fact that I saw a lady wearing a hooded tracksuit top into the club (Kaduna averages a temperature of 40 degrees), and some other ladies I can swear were underage, stuff went well. I won’t tell you about the ‘goings on’ I saw in several ‘dark’ corners when I decided to talk a walk, of course I won’t tell you! We (yes, me and the other fairies) were there for a while then we moved to Maharaja. Now, to me it’s either the owner is Indian, an Indian wannabe or loves the first letter of the alphabet (so many 'a's in the word)! Not bad too, upstairs, open air, with tiny bells that you depress and then a waiter appears. Not bad at all. We had a couple of drinks, loads of suya (yes sir), and then headed back to NAF. Hung out there for a while till my pager went off; the fairy godmother said it was my bedtime! So, I went back to my hotel (which I won’t name). A wonderful place o, I just giggled when I saw the rates…….. they had provisions for people who’d need a room for only two hours! Ha ha, croc city!

I’m writing this from my bed, mum says we have to leave tomorrow and I so hate that but I know we have to go! I have a secret though, I’m planning a trip back here, sometime soon. If you promise to be good this week, put a smile on someone’s face, look corruption in the eye and say no, but most importantly, rock the week like it was your last, I’ll take you!